Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
