We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
