dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
As shirtless as possible
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
