I think I am morally bankrupt
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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