I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
