my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
