Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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