Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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