Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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