Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
