dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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