All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize