I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Houston, we have a squirter
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
