i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
