Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
