connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
