I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
