i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
