Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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