I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
