you would pick up someone in the library
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
