be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
