You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
