I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
