I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
