I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
