is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
bring money and cleavage
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
