I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize