it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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