I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Someone came in the potted fern
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
