Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
