Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
