Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
