Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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