I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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