I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Randomize
