I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize