____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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