she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
