Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
