her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
