come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
