mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
