I puked a lego.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
