Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
