...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
