So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Everyone says I win the strip club
You were trust falling into bushes
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
