I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
