My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
