Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize