im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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