if only i could text you this smell
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
