I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
