I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
