I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
