Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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