Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
