I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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