I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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