A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize