Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
