I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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