It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
These tits shall not be calmed
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
