she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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