The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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