Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
