I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
