Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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