Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
